Feeling Disconnected From Your Partner

In this episode of Life’s Bumps and Bruises, Luke and Joanne discuss Feeling Disconnected From Your Partner. We live very busy lives that can create competing priorities that can lead us away from our significant others. Competing priorities can cause space in our relationship and that allows us to feel disconnected.   

In the Unpack That segment, Luke and Joanne discuss dealing with difficult neighbours and how we can communicate when things go wrong. 

🎙 This episode is for you if you’re into:

• Understanding different ways to communicate our needs with our partner
• Strategies on how to make each other a priority
• Knowing the roles of feminine and masculine energies 

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🎧 New episodes drop every Tuesday — let’s open up about the challenges we all face, one real chat at a time.

Credits:

The Inspiration by Keys of Moon | https://soundcloud.com/keysofmoon

Attribution 4.0 International (CC BY 4.0)

https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

Music promoted by https://www.chosic.com/free-music/all/

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:04

Life's full of bumps and bruises. I'm Luke Lee Tet, counsellor and life coach, joined by Joanne Lee Tet, mum and HR professional living what seems to be a never-ending roller coaster.

SPEAKER_02 0:17

Each week we discuss strategies to navigate the bumpy road of life.

SPEAKER_00 0:22

With practical approaches to difficult life moments, we bring real life options to the challenges everyday people face.

SPEAKER_02 0:30

Welcome to Life's Bumps and Bruises.

SPEAKER_00 0:32

We're glad you're here.

SPEAKER_04 0:50

Yep.

SPEAKER_00 0:51

I'm buggered.

SPEAKER_04 0:51

Yep.

SPEAKER_00 0:52

It's it's been a big uh few weeks, I think.

SPEAKER_04 0:55

Um I feel like I I haven't I don't know who you are.

unknown 0:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 0:58

Oh I see ya. I know it's been a bit like that. Uh even if today we've got Amelia in here too. She's uh sitting here quietly on her iPad. Like, oh with me and Mama and I are just gonna go and do this recording. I don't want to sit here on my own, like uh and really she hasn't barely seen me either.

SPEAKER_04 1:17

No. Um, so you know, I look at it like yesterday we spent all day at baseball, and I reckon I saw you in the car on the way there and in the car on the way home.

SPEAKER_00 1:24

Yeah, that's it.

SPEAKER_04 1:25

Then we got it to bed and then we're like and it's like and the talking is like I'm just too tired to talk. So it's like, you know, yes, we live together, and that's probably about it because good roommate, good roommate. Great roommate. No, yeah, you don't clean up shit. Bullshit, turn it up anyway. Um, yeah, it has been it's always huge, but you know, we're not alone. Lots of marriages and partnerships are like this. It's just full on when you've got kids and being bounced around, works huge, it's hard.

SPEAKER_00 1:55

How do you feel about not taking a breath when you speak?

SPEAKER_01 1:59

It's normal, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 2:01

It's normal. I don't know if that came through the mic, but literally Joanne's face is red as trying to yes, it is. Um, but anyway, moving along. Shut up. So last week we um we spoke about mother's guilt. We could have gone into that a a lot further, but it was really uh it's it's really individualized guilt based on uh what's happening for you individually. That's difficult.

SPEAKER_04 2:28

It is, it is, and you know, it comes to mums a lot of the time putting themselves last. Yes, um, and um a lot of the time being in their own heads. Um, so you know, it's it's really important that you talk about it with your spouse because you know, you don't have a take on so much.

SPEAKER_00 2:46

No, you don't. Um, you don't, but at the same time you feel like you have to, yeah, and that's why it's individualized because each person will feel like they've got to take on different things. Um, so it's difficult. But anyway, um, I mean, I guess that's we've we've had some feedback about it. Um, but uh and and the feedback really was about how they individually yeah manage their stuff, um, or actually don't manage their stuff. Or don't uh yeah, so that was probably the biggest one. Um but today we're gonna talk about a very specific topic. What are we talking about today, Jo?

SPEAKER_04 3:22

Um do I want to do the unpack that first?

SPEAKER_00 3:24

How about you just give us the title first?

SPEAKER_04 3:27

Today's episode is going to be around um feeling disconnected from your partner, which is a big one.

SPEAKER_00 3:32

Yeah, it's a big one, but we won't obviously go that deep into it. Um, because to be honest with you, I don't want to start any wars at home. Um, why not? Yeah, yeah. Let's just join into the shit for sure. Um, but yeah, we'll we'll go over a little bit of that today. Um, and but you've got some unpacks, unpacked that's, don't you?

SPEAKER_04 3:54

Um, I do. I do have some unpack that. And um usually I I don't prepare a lot for this. We it's really just a conversation between you and me, and whatever happens, happens. Um, but particularly last night we got home from um late from a presentation, a sport presentation, and we got home quite late. Um the kids pretty much went straight to bed. I got Amelia to bed and she was buggered. And the neighbors decided to start using power tools at quarter to 11 at night. I mean, yeah, okay, it's a weekend, but no, no, not at that time. That's just ridiculous. Um, and so I essentially said, Luke, go deal with that non-stop. Um, so how how do you deal with neighbors that are being dicks and are either noisy or there's a pet that's noisy, or how how do you manage it? Because you you've still got to maintain a relationship with these people as neighbors.

SPEAKER_00 4:51

Am I the right person to be asking here?

SPEAKER_01 4:53

Because you know a few weeks ago, didn't you say you yelled at the neighbor next door when we're driving over your grass? Yes, you know, like not the right person.

SPEAKER_00 5:01

Last night, oh good, it really all depends on how Joanne feels at the time, whether I'm the right person to handle that or not. Um, if she can't be bothered, then Luke, I don't care what you fuck up, right? Just go ahead, right? But if you if you if you're involved, it's like, well, they can see me. Don't don't do it, don't go too far, Luke. Yeah, last night you you sent me out.

SPEAKER_04 5:23

I did send you out. Uh because my melee was crying, she was frightened, she didn't want me to leave her.

SPEAKER_00 5:28

And this noise was literally bellowing through our house. Uh, an old mate next door, he was in his garage, but I think he had the garage door open. And uh when I walked out the front, like, bro, you're right there. And he goes, What do you mean? What are you doing? Oh, sorry, mate, am I being too loud? Yeah, man, you are. I go, I've got a six-year-old trying to sleep, and you're making all this noise like you're using a router. Like, what are you doing, bud? And he's like, Oh, just this. Um, it was like a portable vacuum, handheld vacuum. I'll go, there's no way it's a portable vacuum you're using. You're using a router. If your vacuum sounds like that, a hundred percent you need to throw that thing out. It's got it's got issues, and he's just like, Oh, I'll stop now. That's a really good idea. It's quarter 11. Listen to me. I might have this conversation with you again. Mike clear. He's like, Yep, yep. Sorry, Luke. Yeah, yep. On you go. And I just walked inside. And to be fair, he didn't make any more noise.

SPEAKER_03 6:29

No, I didn't.

SPEAKER_00 6:30

Um, but geez, that pissed me off. And he does it all the time, old mate. Yeah, he um he your mate. Uh maybe he works, I don't even know. Maybe he works night shifts or something. I don't know, but this guy will just start banging away and drilling holes and you know, power tools at all times in the night. So and and I don't understand. I said this to you last night. He's got two very young children, younger than ours.

SPEAKER_03 7:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 7:00

How do they sleep?

SPEAKER_03 7:02

Maybe they're just used to it.

SPEAKER_00 7:03

And he and he, homemade's wife, she's the boss, yeah. So I don't understand how she get lets him get away with it either. I've I've seen her tell him off, all right, like a little boy. And I I can I can't get my head around it. Nah, buddy, come on, come on. So, how do you handle it?

SPEAKER_04 7:20

How do you handle it? Because obviously, in this situation, you went straight outside and had a had a talk to him.

SPEAKER_00 7:25

But I've got a reputation too.

SPEAKER_04 7:27

You do have a reputation of that, but you know, that they they have a dog, a a big dog, and that dog barks a lot, sets up our dogs. Um, we're lucky enough to have a bit of a backyard, so we're a little bit further away from the fence than the neighbors behind them that are right on the fence line. So this dog must be driving them freaking insane.

SPEAKER_03 7:47

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_04 7:48

How dem, we're not the only people, how do you approach a neighbor with a noisy dog that's driving you nuts? Because most of the time you put up with it, put up with it, put up with it until you explode and you go over there all angry and you try and get in their face, and the rational discussion is not there because you've just let it build up to a point. How do you approach that kind of conversation? Because we've also had the neighbor across the road that got a complaint from the council about their dog barking with no conversation from the neighbors at all.

SPEAKER_00 8:18

Yeah, and in that case, there, their dogs are really quiet.

SPEAKER_04 8:21

Their dogs are quiet, so it makes me think they're hearing the wrong house.

SPEAKER_00 8:24

Oh, 100%. They're hearing this dog that's next door to us.

SPEAKER_04 8:27

But obviously, no one's approached them either. They've just gone straight to the council and they've got a council, please explain. So, you know, that's not ideal either. Well, tell me, how, how, how do we unpack that?

SPEAKER_00 8:40

Uh diplomatically, uh, would be your best choice. Probably don't do it the way I do it, uh, because I tell everybody off. But um to me, uh, I don't know, when it comes to a dog barking like that, the dogs only bark at things that they don't under they don't understand. And you know, the she's a big shepherd next door, and uh, she needs a bit of love, man, and that's all that she's barking at. You you can tell because the the poor dog's out the back, and it could be pissing with rain, whatever. And then somebody will show up, um, or they'll be in the the back part of their house or something like that, where the dog can see them, and then you know, she'll start barking at them. And and you could tell the type of bark it is isn't a uh a bark where she's being aggressive, yeah. She's not, she's not, and we could probably jump the fence and pad her, it wouldn't be an issue. Um, but I think that um in in this case here it's like the dog's barking at you because she wants to be with you. So here we are now talking about a really shitty dog owner, yeah. And they're not shitty people, they're not, they're they're nice people, right? I mean, old mate does things that he probably shouldn't do at the middle of the night, could probably turn up his weeds a bit on the adjoining garden bed that we have that's when our driveways, but um uh he's not a shitty person, and I think that uh yeah, that that poor dog, she she just wants some love. But um, how do you approach it? Uh how can you? Like, because in that case, there, what are they gonna do about it? What could they do about it? That's my biggest thing, like yeah, I could go knock on the door and say, Yo, sort your dog out, man. Yeah, go give her some love. And at some point, I know it's gonna happen. I'm gonna do I'm 100% gonna do it. I feel sorry for her because as soon as she barks, then my two our two dogs will bark. Yeah, and our our two dogs are the size of a shoe, you're right.

SPEAKER_04 10:41

A bit bigger than that, maybe your shoe, Shrekfoot.

SPEAKER_00 10:44

Yeah, thank you so much. Anyway, the and then I'll go out there, and then all of a sudden she then starts to respond to them, and they're responding to her, and it's all this constant backwards and forwards fucking bullshit. But you know, I think But our dogs listen to us.

SPEAKER_04 11:01

We we tell them often, we tell them to calm down, they come inside, and they will listen to us and then like different dogs, but there's no interaction from the owners next door at all to try and even quiet their dog down.

SPEAKER_00 11:12

Oh, you know what was really funny. One night they did. One night old mate goes at the back because she's barking, right? And I happen to be in our backyard, and I hear him, and it's late, could have been 9:30 or something, maybe even later. And he's at the back telling her, shut up. And then all you hear is this big thud, like boom, and he's like, You fucking idiot. That's all I hear. And I start laughing out loud because I can't help myself.

SPEAKER_03 11:43

You don't know what's happening, that's all you hear.

SPEAKER_00 11:44

And then I hears, yeah, for sure. He hears me for sure. Then I hear his missus come out. What's happened? She bloody ran into the door, like and and when I'm telling you this started like someone just smashed a car door closed, and and by the sound of it, she's tried to get into the house and the door closed on her. Oh, and so she's gone boom, head first into the door. That's what it sounded like. I'm telling you, it was bad. Um so uh to me, we gotta say something. We have to say something, but I know what the response is gonna be, and that's that's the difficult part.

SPEAKER_04 12:21

And do you think that's why, like in our other neighbor's case, someone responds straight to the council? Was it predicted that it's gonna be a really poor response? So rather than actually having a verbal, they'd tried another way without actually confronting them.

SPEAKER_00 12:34

Yeah, maybe. I think uh also too in that particular case, the relationship isn't there. Um, from what I understand, the relationship's not there, and so I don't know. To me, we've got to have the relationships with our neighbors in today's world. We don't for the most part, we don't. We kind of just stick to our own spaces.

SPEAKER_04 13:01

What do you think about um if you don't have that relationship? And obviously, I would never go straight to a council um to raise an issue without trying first to resolve it. Um, what do you what's your thoughts about putting something in their letterbox? Because you don't know if you knock on a door what you're gonna get, and a lot of people don't have the courage to do that. I don't know, no, I'll do that for someone I don't know, but maybe putting a note in their letterbox instead.

SPEAKER_00 13:26

Well, you could to I would start look, if you don't have a relationship with your neighbor, I would just start having a relationship with my neighbor. Not physical, obviously, but um you know dreamer. Hi, how you going? How's things going? Whatever. Just chit-chat, get to know them a couple days later, then it'd be like, yo, what's what are you gonna do with that dog man? Like, I know what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna go over there one day, I'm gonna see him, and I'm just gonna say, What's happening with your dog man? What does she need? I'm telling you, that's what I'm gonna do. What does she need? She needs some love, bud. He's gonna talk bullshit to me. He's gonna go, Oh, I'm really sorry. We'll do what we can. I know he's gonna do jack shit.

SPEAKER_04 14:07

He might even respond going, I don't know what you're talking about, I don't hear her. Yeah, then that's a possibility with this guy.

SPEAKER_00 14:13

Yeah, and then I'm gonna knock on the fence, right? She would have already been barking at that point. I'll knock on the fence and then we'll listen to her. That's what she does every night, bud. Multiple times a night, all night. The poor dog needs some love. Um and I'm not gonna put give any threats or anything like that. I think if if nothing really uh changes, then maybe something be in the letterbox. And the letterbox it that letter might might say, uh, we spoke verbally about this, if you remember. Um and uh we would really like to work with you here. Uh do you need support? What do we need to do to help you? Because obviously verbally he he he he will most likely defend himself or do nothing. Then if I get nothing, nothing changes, and then I'm going council. Um but I'm gonna give them an opportunity to to write just to course correct us, but so to speak.

SPEAKER_03 15:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 15:15

It's a difficult one. It's a difficult one. Because she because ultimately, uh look, they're always home. There's always someone home at that house. So uh if they're always home, they can give the dog love. Um and they're not.

SPEAKER_03 15:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 15:32

So they could course correct here. But also, too, I'm not sure how old she is, she'd be probably four or five years old. Um and so then when you think about that, it's like, well, how much are you gonna be able to retrain your dog now? I don't know. I don't know. And then there's the whole just like a kid, right? They build a strategy bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark. Oh, you gave me what I wanted. Beautiful. So all I have to do now is continue to bark until you give me what I want.

SPEAKER_04 16:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 16:00

Um, it's it's a difficult one. It is a difficult one.

SPEAKER_04 16:03

It's hard. Like I said, you want to try and if you have a relationship, maintain those relationships. Um, but you also need to try and get what you need. And if those neighbors are being noisy, it was a one-off, you know, someone's having a party in the street and it might be annoying for one night. And you know, you might be able to suck it up for a night if you can. If you can't, there's obviously other measures. But for people using power tools on a regular basis, starting at ridiculous times in the morning if they're building something themselves or having a pet that's noisy, you know.

SPEAKER_00 16:34

It's not the first time he's done it. Remember one day he was putting the lights out on the front of his house and there he is.

SPEAKER_04 16:40

It's like Tim the tall man Taylor. He's just right.

SPEAKER_00 16:43

Yeah, yeah. I'm just waiting for him to electrocute himself. But one day he's he's he's drilling uh because he's got to put two holes into his brickwork to put a light up, a sensor light. And he's using just a normal masonry um drill bit, uh a drill, and it's all right instead of using a hammer drill, which will be done in two seconds, done, brr dun. Yeah, this guy an hour took him to to drill two holes, man. One hour. I'm not joking about that. That's I'm not exaggerating, nothing. And I walk out there and he might have been halfway through the first one. I go, yo, do you want to help with that? And I go, because I can have them done in two seconds. Oh no, I just don't want the the uh the the bricks to explode, they're not gonna explode. It's all about pressure, you're okay, but I can get this done. I've got some really good uh drill bits out of drill, I'll get out there and do it for you, bro. It'll be done in seconds. No, no, no. All right, then if you're not gonna do it with the other drill you got sitting on your fucking driveway right now, that'll be done in two seconds. I'm gonna give you 10 minutes because if it's not done, I'm gonna do it for you. And he goes, Why is that? Because now it's seven o'clock, and all I can hear and I just want to chill out, and I can't chill out, and it's doing my head anybody. Oh, I'm sorry, I'll I'll have it done. This dude didn't get it done. He stopped next morning. Oh my oh my god, come on, man. Oh I walk out there because I've got to take Amelia to school. You're still doing them holes? He's like, Yeah, oh my god, aren't you an engineer? He's like, Yeah, and you don't understand how to drill a hole. He's like, No, I've got it covered. No, you don't.

SPEAKER_03 18:41

That's probably why he's home a lot.

SPEAKER_00 18:42

Oh my god. Buddy, buddy, you're doing me hitting anyway. Um he eventually got it up. Then he then he connected. Remember, he connected it, and he's got its sensitivity up so high. So and and then he's positioned the lights to face out to the street, not down. And yeah, they're like, it's like walking out.

SPEAKER_04 19:03

We can freaking do bowling practice in the middle of the night with those fucking lights.

SPEAKER_00 19:06

It's it's like I remember after he first put them in. Uh we're reversing my car in, and I couldn't see them. You can't, it's so bright. It's so bright, it's like, oh my god, what are you doing, buddy? Uh, but anyway, um, yes, have a relationship with your neighbor.

SPEAKER_04 19:23

It's gonna run a dump vest on our neighbor, hasn't it?

SPEAKER_00 19:26

Oh no, he yeah, look, he's a really nice man, he is. He's just a little special. Yes.

SPEAKER_04 19:36

No, unpark that with your neighbours.

SPEAKER_00 19:38

No, it's neighbors, yeah. Don't get into fights with neighbours, it's not worth it.

SPEAKER_04 19:43

Yeah, if if you get to a point where you know you're um you've had enough, you and you're pissed off and you want to go over there and confront them, maybe You left it too long. You left it too long, and wait till the next morning, until you're calmed down. I always take that approach at work, there's lots of things that piss me off, and I'll always write an email when I'm all right, never send it and I'll review it in the next morning, and before you know it, the whole thing has been delivered because you just can't send it. You can't say it when you're in the heat of moments. That's when you know lots of arguments happen. Well, why can't you do that here? Well, shut up, yes, because you can always write. So, you know, with noisy neighbours, just take it down a pedal and confront them when you're calm.

SPEAKER_00 20:21

As best you can. Yeah. Yes.

SPEAKER_04 20:23

All right. Thanks for that one. Now everyone knows what kind of neighbours we have.

SPEAKER_00 20:28

She bags.

SPEAKER_04 20:30

All right. So moving on to the main topic today um is feeling disconnected from your partner. Um, and I don't want you to feel as though this is a topic about us. Sure. I actually talk to a lot of people. Um yeah, I I speak to people. You know, it's not just you being a social butterfly.

SPEAKER_00 20:47

So I'm social butterfly now. Okay.

SPEAKER_04 20:50

You can be. Um, so I've I've I've been speaking to people where they can feel as though sometimes, you know, and this isn't just a new relationship, it can be a relationship that's, you know, been together for years or decades, um, where some people, you know, everyone is come they are comfortable in their relationship, but there's certain times when things come up in life that they actually feel disconnected from their partner. And it's not uh it's not something that's big, it's something like, you know, when people have kids, you know, running around with your kids taking it to different, multiple different sports, like we're talking about before, you know, hardly see you, hardly talk to you because we're so busy just with life that you then become disconnected. Um so I guess today's topic is around talking about that. And if you feel like that, what do you do? What can you do to make yourself feel connected again? Because it's going to be a constant pull um where that disconnection happens. Yeah. So it's to me, it's not taking it personal. It's not like it's not something there that's actually real for you to be disconnected for. It's just life is getting in the way. It's kind of I kind of see it as um, you know, like. Like I said last week, when I met with my cousins and saw my cousins, it's like, how come we don't see each other more? How can we make more time? It's like life is just so busy. Just because you're with a partner and you live with a partner, life can still really be busy. Yes. And have that disconnect.

SPEAKER_00 22:13

Yeah. I guess it really depends on why you feel disconnected in the first place. Uh and just because we're busy doesn't mean we have to feel disconnected. Because I think that it you could be really busy and you could be in a busy family. Like when you know a family that uh they've got three kids, and all three kids do something all different, and they've got to be in three different places at the same time. It's in it's an impossible task. Uh two of the because one child's quite young, the other two are quite um athletically gifted, and they're playing at higher levels in there in two different, completely different sports that require them to be in different states at different times sometimes, so that that they get really stretched as well. They don't have time to scratch their ass. So I guess it really depends on how you view it. Um, and why do you feel disconnected? If it's because you need time, I think that uh this goes back to the neighbor thing, right? Like you said before, if I don't say anything, then um then it'll build up. And that's when we don't express our needs, we move into our head. Yeah, that's right. And and then boom, it's it's it's actually an issue. The stories that you tell yourself are just juggling. Yeah, oh my goodness gracious. I think um for me, I think expressing your needs is very, very important. Uh if I feel like I need time with you as an example, I tell you. To be honest with you, uh, we have a different sort of language that we use with each other. We do. And uh we can say things as a joke, knowing that there's something behind it, both laugh about it and then action it. Where I think that, I mean, if I said to you, listen, I need time with you, let's go. Let's just sit down on the couch together, whatever it is, right? Um, whether maybe it's kind of for dinner, I mean you'd like that, but um, date night, you know, whatever it is, right? Um, and in our case, for us, it's really difficult to get time with our kids because a lot of the people that would look after our kids are not with us anymore.

SPEAKER_04 24:40

So there's actually not that many left.

SPEAKER_00 24:41

That's right. The opposite. So, you know, it's it's a little difficult. Um so for me, if I just said that to you and said straight up this, I need this time, they might be met with a bit of, well, I don't have it to give to you right now. And I know that that happens a lot for some couples, um, especially some couples that come in here, uh, can be a bit like that too. Um, actually, they've all been that way. Just playing it through my head now. They've all done that in some capacity. You want it because you've got time now, but I don't have time now, or I don't have capacity right now. And I think that's what I like about our relationship in that way is that we can take the piss, but know that at some point, while taking the piss, we will catch up with that. And it's okay. There's no time frame. Yeah, it's just it's what it is. I get you're busy, I'm busy, we're moving in different directions. We've got kids, we've got a whole bunch of different things that are happening with them. Uh, and then I can take the piss a little bit, or you you generally take the piss for me because I'm cooked by that time. And then you'll say to me, you'll say something like, Well, you'd call me a C next Tuesday, most of the time. And then he's like, and then it's like, I'll I'll get I'll do the cleaner version. It's it's like um, mate, you give all this time to everybody else. When do you got time for me? Like this, and and it you're saying it with a joke, you're saying it as a joke, you've got a a smile on your face, and you you're just picking on me because you know I haven't had time to give it to you. Um, and I know that you know that. And and uh you you you just want to highlight something, hey, don't forget this. And uh, and so then and then I look at you, oh whatever, mate, shut up. That's all I do, or something like that, or I'll hang shit on you in some way, but I know that in the next couple days, at max next couple days, I have to make sure that I give you something because that's your way of saying, Hey, I need something from you too. The hundred other people you've given time to this week is okay, but you forgot about me.

SPEAKER_05 26:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 27:00

And I uh but if you never said that, which there were had been a period of time when we were early on in our relationship where you wouldn't have done that?

SPEAKER_05 27:08

No.

SPEAKER_00 27:09

Um, and then it stacked up on itself, and then you got disgruntled.

SPEAKER_04 27:14

Yeah, it's because I didn't know how to, didn't know how to voice what I wanted from you or to tell you that I wanted to.

SPEAKER_00 27:21

And how did we get to that point? Do you remember?

SPEAKER_04 27:23

No, I have no idea.

SPEAKER_00 27:24

I do.

SPEAKER_04 27:25

Of course you do.

SPEAKER_00 27:26

Well, I started to do it.

SPEAKER_03 27:28

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 27:29

And then you copied it, which was fine. Um, because then you got busier, you were doing your masters, I think, at the time. Um, so you were flat out. And it was like I remember just sitting on the couch at night, because I was working a lot back then, and I was leaving at some bullshit time in the morning, get home. It was dark again, and um, and then you know, there was a whole lot of sports stuff that I was doing as well, then you were doing as well, and then you were doing your masters, and then you would you would have to work all day and then come home and do a whole bunch of homework stuff or class stuff that you had to do. And uh, and I'm like sitting there going, when's this bitch gonna come and sit down on the couch with me?

unknown 28:14

Right?

SPEAKER_00 28:15

And I'm like, but I'm looking at you and you're clicking away on your laptop, I'm like, there's no way that can't happen. I know that it can't happen. And then I'm I'm getting all jealous and what about me, Shannon Knoll shit, right? And it's like, I'll just say something. But I did it as a joke because that's the way I am anyway. So then I said it as a joke. Like, oh, when you got time for me, man. Luke, can't you see what I'm doing? Yeah, you're right. Whatever, man. All right, and then I'll just push play again on whatever show will bloody binge watch it back then, and then uh, and then I think um could have been a few days later from memory, it was a long time ago, but from memory it was a few days later. Then you come over and you're like, you just sat there. We didn't do anything, we just sat there on the couch together, whatever it was we're talking, and then uh it was okay. And then so I was like, oh, that worked. Strategy, tick, beautiful, sweet. So I kept doing it.

SPEAKER_03 29:13

You saying like you trained me like a dog.

SPEAKER_00 29:16

I was training myself.

SPEAKER_03 29:17

Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_00 29:18

It wasn't about you.

SPEAKER_03 29:19

Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_00 29:20

It was actually about me because I think back then, uh, instead of expressing my needs, I would have demanded them. I think that's where I would have been back then. Uh and it took me a while to get my head around what that does to you individually. So this is an important conversation to have. I know that we're talking about our relationship here, but uh please understand that uh what we're talking about here is probably universal. So when uh it took me a while to get my head around uh what impact me demanding things from you was having on you. And it kind of overloaded you a bit. Uh, and then and then it was almost like when I was too busy to give it to you, you were getting annoyed that it wasn't being matched. So your effort wasn't being matched by mine.

SPEAKER_03 30:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 30:20

Uh and yeah, I think that uh once we got past that bit there, we were okay. But uh, and I'm not that we were ever really bad, but I think that that that was uh a big learning curve.

SPEAKER_04 30:33

You will see that a lot with with clients and couples counseling and therapy that you do, that disconnect and that um what you just described, feeling annoyed or that um demand, and those demands aren't being met, they're being met with annoyance. Yeah, absolutely. And then on the flip side, it then happens on the flip side when that other person's ready and that other person is not willing or can't at that particular time. Yep. And then they just can't find the time and then just escalates and builds from there.

SPEAKER_00 31:04

You know, you see it a lot when after women uh give birth.

SPEAKER_04 31:09

God, you're just you're stuffed, you're just emotionally exhausted. I remember when I got back from Matt Leave and my boss at the time, he was a lawyer, he had a very warped sense of humor.

SPEAKER_00 31:17

Yes, he did.

SPEAKER_04 31:18

He was a very funny man. Um, and I came back to work and I I said I need an annual leave for something. He goes, You've just had the past 12 months off. How much more time do you need off? Isn't it just you just had a holiday? I go, it's not a fucking holiday, John. And he's like, and he just smiles at me. So you know, but it's difficult. It is like you're having time off, but there's no there's no time.

SPEAKER_00 31:43

Yeah, it's not time for yourself.

SPEAKER_04 31:44

No, definitely not.

SPEAKER_00 31:45

No, you're exhausted, but even still like uh it's like reintroducing sex again for some couples after you have birth. Yeah, and then uh that and then that can cause the other partner to get really upset um and frustrated, I would say, and feel stuck because they're not getting their needs met in that way either. Definitely a disconnect at that time, and so that's that's difficult too. Um, but there would have been a time when that other partner was holding out on the one that gave birth. Not because they chose to, because they had nothing left to give. So, you know, it kind of equals itself out, so to speak, and each person's at a different point. To me, if we can't express our needs, we're done. And it's not a relationship is done, it is that it's a me issue. And uh, and our daughter's talking in the background after she said, Oh, we'll be quiet, Daddy. I promise. Yeah. So uh to me, uh, so yeah, it's really important that we um express our needs and recognize that it's not an us issue, it's a me issue first. Yeah, and uh that never happens. I'm telling you, it never happens. No, it's it's like if you don't give me something, whatever it is I need you to do, could be uh, let's just say it was you were washing clothes and something of mine needed to be washed and it wasn't washed, right? Because of lots of different reasons that I'm not even privy to. Like you were too busy and you only did what you could do, the line might have been full. That you know, there was other things that needed that were more of a priority at the time, whatever the bloody hell it is, right? But if I don't ask and tell you when you are washing clothes, can you wash this for me while you're washing clothes, as an example, then it I can't expect that it's gonna get done. This is ridiculous. Um, but you'd be surprised how often that sort of shit stacks up on top of each other in relationships, and it's all comes down to did I express my needs? No. And then we go back into this clairvoyancy part where it's like um uh I need you to read my mind, and it's not just I know that that part there for most men are sitting there going, oh, women are like that. That's not true. Men are like that too, they are 100% like that, yeah. So you know what?

SPEAKER_04 34:24

So when you say express your needs, what do you actually mean like that? Like if I'm saying I just want some time with you, is that not do you need more specific than that? Because time can mean freaking anything.

SPEAKER_00 34:38

Yeah, I I would I would rather specifically uh to be honest with you, what is it that you want? What is it that you want to feel from me? Yeah, what is it that uh if you're feeling disconnected, why can't you just say that? You know, we're in a relationship for God's sake. You you can say whatever you need to say because we're a partnership. And uh so so yeah, it's more like, what do I want to feel? And this is the kind of conversation that we kind of need to have with ourselves before we go to that our significant other. What is it I want to feel from this person, right? And then how can I get it? So that way, if I go to you, like let's just say I need something from you, I need a time from you. It's more uh I would come to you and say, Hey, I'm feeling a bit disconnected from you. I kind of want to feel a bit of love from you right now. Can we just sit on a couch together for half an hour?

SPEAKER_04 35:32

Yeah, and I suppose going that little bit extra, because if I say I just want to feel love from you, people might think straight away that, oh, they just want to have sex.

SPEAKER_00 35:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 35:39

And it doesn't always come down to that.

SPEAKER_00 35:41

No, no, no.

SPEAKER_04 35:42

Very specific on what you want.

SPEAKER_00 35:43

Same, same with intimacy. You talk about intimacy, most people think that that's sex too. But intimacy is about uh giving and receiving of emotion. So we can just sit next to each other, that is a part of that. Sitting down talking, turn the TV off, put your phones down, talk to each other. Uh, I like that idea that if you're if you're feeling like you're disconnected or you're feeling like there's separation in some way because of life challenges and um competing priorities, then just select a couple of days out of the week where it's just you guys hanging out. I get that you're gonna be tired, right? However, what's the priority? So if the kids go to sleep at nine o'clock, say, eight thirty, nine o'clock. What's the half an hour we can give our chat each other after that? When the the other competing priorities are asleep, right? Um it's that sort of stuff, you know. How do we make each other a priority for an hour? Surely we can do that. Surely we can do that.

SPEAKER_04 36:51

Uh it's like um And it doesn't have to be an hour every day.

SPEAKER_00 36:55

No, a couple of days a week, maybe wherever you can get it. Life is too uh it's happening now, it's not happening because it's been planned. I always think like um, I always think to myself, this I struggle with this bit. It's like I want more time to do the things that I want to do, which is generally as I feel now, nothing. Right? That's what I want. But then I and I think to myself, well, why can't I get it? I want more time to just sit there. I would say talk to talk with you, but we don't, I don't talk with you. I just listen because you generally just keep talking. That's not nice, but it I'm not meaning it disrespectfully, but it's true, right?

SPEAKER_04 37:47

It was interesting.

SPEAKER_00 37:48

Uh no arguments, easy.

SPEAKER_04 37:49

Somebody at baseball the other day said, you know, everyone thinks Luke's the boss, but you're the boss, Joe. Does that mean you're the boss of us too?

SPEAKER_00 37:56

Because I'm the boss of it. Yeah, probably. Um you lost my train, I was lost.

SPEAKER_01 38:07

Oh, I'm good at that.

SPEAKER_00 38:08

Yeah, yeah. Um time. Yeah, so yeah. So if I wanted that time, and I was I think to myself, well, how can I get that time, right? Just to hang out. Uh, and then I think to myself, well, you planned to be here. All the things that you did in the background to get things, or even in the forefront to get things to where they are in terms of our life, whether that is work-related, study related, sport-related, um, coaching related, our kids, whatever it is, I did that. I orchestrated most of that. And so it's like, well, if I've done that, I can't get that time because this is what you did. So take responsibility for it. And it'd be quite easy for me to say to you, I need time with you, right? I I want to feel connected with you. Can we just sit on the couch for half an hour? Whatever it is, right? Can we just talk for an hour, whatever? I could it quite easily say that to you, but who is it that isn't giving here? It'd be me, right? In the in the last couple of weeks, probably a month, it would be me. So then I'm asking you to do something that I'm not doing.

SPEAKER_05 39:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 39:19

And then that falls apart too, because then what would be the response you would give to that? Nothing.

SPEAKER_04 39:26

I don't have time.

SPEAKER_00 39:28

Bang.

SPEAKER_04 39:29

Uh it's really sickly. It comes down to sometimes I just want time for myself.

SPEAKER_00 39:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 39:35

I just, if I've I've got time, somebody said to me yesterday they started meditation, and I just like, oh, that sounds wonderful. I wish I had time to just do that for myself. Because, you know, if if I then want to have time for my partner, I can't have time for myself.

SPEAKER_05 39:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 39:52

So yeah, it's all yeah. And if you told your partner that I just want time for myself, depending on where you are in your relationship, that disconnect can grow bigger.

SPEAKER_00 40:02

Yes, because you can get more disgruntled.

SPEAKER_04 40:04

Yeah. If you want to spend time with yourself, that means you don't want to spend time with me. And that's not what the intention is at all, or sometimes it might be, depending on the relationship. But, you know, it's easy to snowball without actually even having a conversation.

SPEAKER_00 40:18

Yeah. And it's a really what do I want to feel from my partner? Some people might use I want to feel loved, I want to feel connected, I want to feel like we're in a partnership, I want to feel supported. And there's a whole bunch of different words that they could use. Uh so how am I going to get it? Because that's not a hundred percent on the other person to deliver for you, is how do we do it together? It's a 50-50 thing. And we've we've spoken about before where we cross over the lines on that. We're asking for more from others than what we're prepared to give to ourselves. If I can't give it to me, how the hell am I gonna give it to you? You know, it's just an it's not impossible, but I'm gonna run out of, I'm gonna run out of energy, I'm gonna run out of juice. It's it's not gonna happen. So um, yeah, responsibility could be done on both sides. I think uh when you when you sit down and you listen to couples talk about their challenges and how they feel disconnected and stuff like that, what I've come to find is that they will always say, each person will say, how the other person isn't meeting their needs. And then I say, Well, did you explain it to that other person? Yes, tell me how you did it. I told them this is what I wanted. Okay, could you deliver that? Generally, I don't even get a chance to end to ask that question because the other person's like, rah, I'm all over you. Right. And then they're like, I told you I couldn't because I was doing 12-hour days of work. I was doing X, Y, and I give you a whole list of things that I would do another time. I don't care. Where's the priority? So now it's about you need to make me a priority. You should know that I'm the priority. You need to dump all that shit and make you make me a priority. And then I'll tell you now, this is one of the things that generally gets said is the other person then says, if I don't do this list of things that I've got to do, you can't have X, Y, and Z.

SPEAKER_05 42:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 42:30

We can't live this way. Our whole lifestyle changes. And and I'll tell you now that the I get that that conversation for some people might sound like the man is saying that, but uh it's not. It can be generally, it'll it'll be 50-50, all depend on who's doing the most uh time away from the relationship. So now there's not enough respect for the things that have been done. I don't know. I think uh being connected with each other is more about going and acknowledgement. Now we spoke about it, I think it was in the last episode. We talked about how women want to be understood, men want to be appreciated. And it's about using that language, right? And how do I express that to you? I appreciate that you've been so busy. When when you're ready, can we just get half an hour feeling like I'm that uh that there's too much space between us right now?

SPEAKER_04 43:28

So, how do how do you then go and make time and space for each other? Is it a matter of, you know, and it sounds silly, diarising once a fortnight we're gonna do this together? Because you're always just so busy, like you just you just keep going.

SPEAKER_00 43:44

Yeah, and that's a problem that I have. Um stillness isn't necessarily one of my strong suits, um, which will at some point come to a head for me. Because I know too much now, right? But anyway, you hear it, you hear.

SPEAKER_04 44:00

You hear couples and I hear friends talking about, you know, oh, date night's coming up. So they've they've made time. That is then what they consider date night. And when my parents were alive, we actually um got to have date night as well. Uh it wasn't very often, but we made time to do that. Obviously, that fell off when my parents passed and we lost that ability to have the minder. Um, but we'd we do stuff in different ways now.

SPEAKER_06 44:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 44:28

But for others, how do you how do you make that time? How do you carve that out?

SPEAKER_00 44:34

Uh I stop responding on my phone. There is a cutoff point for me, unless I know that it is important or I've already reached out to that person, they're getting back to me a certain time, um, and I need it for the next thing. Um uh I generally generally stop replying to people by 8 30, 9 o'clock. I'm done. Right? I might look at my my social medias, but I'm not really engaging. I am literally scrolling for the sake of scrolling. I don't even know why I do it sometimes. But I will literally scroll for two minutes, literally, and then go, nah, fuck, what are you doing, you dickhead? And then I find myself, boom, then I'm back again. Oh, you're a dumbass. Boom, put it down. Or there's an email, there's a message, there's a a missed call, whatever. And then I I'm actually not so bad at going, yeah, that can stay there for now.

SPEAKER_04 45:34

Yeah, technology and phones are a real big problem. And I'm addicted to my phone. Um, and they become a barrier in a relationship.

SPEAKER_00 45:42

I would love to know. Um, and it's hard to hard for people to accept or to recognize that they're doing it when couples are feeling disconnected from each other, what's the amount of and they feel like they're too busy and haven't got time for each other, what's the amount of time that they're spending together in the same space on each of their phones? Because that that's a killer too.

SPEAKER_04 46:10

So, you know, while like it, you actually do time.

SPEAKER_00 46:13

Yes, yes. And so then when someone says, I don't feel like I'm a priority, well, neither of you are making each other a priority now. Um, so yeah, I guess it really depends on you know what's happening for that relationship, but communicating my needs and then expressing what it is I want, how can I get it, and offering an option.

SPEAKER_04 46:35

So that's where you start.

SPEAKER_00 46:37

That's where I would start.

SPEAKER_04 46:38

Okay. All right, let's wrap it up into a toolbox.

SPEAKER_00 46:42

Toolbox. Yeah, that's probably the where we would start in the toolbox. Um definitely would be what is it that uh what is it that uh I want to feel? How can I get it? And I've got to express that.

SPEAKER_04 46:57

So first it's recognizing yourself.

SPEAKER_00 46:59

Yes, always you need, yeah. Rather than the story you're telling yourself, yeah, 100%, because the story you tell yourself is bullshit.

SPEAKER_04 47:08

And then expressing that clearly to the other person, not I want time, yes, because that could mean freaking anything.

SPEAKER_00 47:14

Yeah, I'll throw my watch at you.

SPEAKER_04 47:16

Mine's not working here. Mine's running time. Time's present for me.

SPEAKER_00 47:20

Yeah, yeah, right, sure.

SPEAKER_04 47:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 47:23

Um, so yeah, that that'll be where I'd start. Um the next one is following through on what we plan, right? I I don't think that that happens enough, the following through a bit. Um, we expect that our partner will follow through on their promises, but we don't generally but then when it's like, oh, sometimes I feel like I can't. Well, can you or can't you? Right. So uh following through on the promises we make to each other, very, very important. Very important. Because if I don't follow through, I can't expect that my partner will, and um, and you can lie about it, right? You can lie about it because let's just say this there seems to be a bit of a thing where women are expecting their that's not the right word, expecting. Um they're asking their their husbands or male partners to step up with supporting around the house, right? And I think most men go through that because they're used to being mothered, right? For the most part. Not all of them, but for the most part. And so then then you come, then you you marry or move in with a female, and then the female's got their own um expectations around the way that they and standards that they want to live by, which is fine because that's the way they were taught. And then we've got two different uh people coming in with two different standards, and then the mare, the mare needs to live up to that, right? They need to pick up a little bit of the stuff. Um, and then eventually what happens is they find their own way and they probably um level out, so then standards might drop on one side, raise on the other, and then we found a happy medium, right?

SPEAKER_04 49:26

You gotta work out what's really important to you.

SPEAKER_00 49:28

Yes, you do, but uh and then so then there's this this part where you say, Well, the like the man generally says, What do I have to do all this work and then I've got to come home and do all this work? Well, you're your your missus is doing it, buddy. What do you mean? Who does it for you?

SPEAKER_04 49:46

Yeah, then it gone's a day where the female stays at home and raises the family. Yeah, you've basically got two working people, but the expectation, and I'm saying expectation brawl loosely here, um, is that the female will come home from work and then come home and work.

SPEAKER_00 50:03

Yeah. It's you know so that that generally happens a lot. And then if the male say the male doesn't um step up and change and lift up his game, then uh the what generally happens is the female will then go, I feel unsupported at home. And they don't say anything like that, right? They don't they hardly ever say it. What they do is they'll they'll continually ask the man, the man to go and do X, Y, and Z around the house. I need you to help me here, right? The man's like, oh, but I've got to do all this other stuff, cut the grass, whatever. Um, and then they'll forget, because they're still boys, and they'll forget, and then the wife will go and do it, or the the partner will go and do it, the female partner, boom, it's done. And then because the man can't say it anymore and they haven't been reminded, and in their mind, a lot of the time men feel like women are nagging, that's because they've asked you 50 times, you haven't done it yet, mate. Just do the shit. They need help, go and help them, yeah. But anyway, so then it will get done. The female will then store the shit and stack it on top of the story they're already telling themselves around how they're not supported, right? And then all of a sudden, it blows up because the female will probably generally withdraw emotionally because they can't attach to a man that isn't going to support them. So they withdraw. And then the man's like, how come we can't have sex? How come I don't feel love from you? Blah, all this sort of shit. And then the woman goes, You don't support me and you want me to give you that? No way. No way. All the time. Yep. All I'm telling you, it happens so often. And so then it's like, and then the man's like, so you're saying to me that if I do all these things around the house, right, that you can come back to that point, and then I'll go, the wife will go, yeah, that'll I then I would feel supported. Okay, cool. So then the man will do it for five days, and then slowly drop off and go, but I've been doing really well. The fuck are you? 12? Right, god damn it. Do you know what I mean? Like, yeah, so it's like okay, so you want to be rewarded for your couple days' effort, and and this is the part where you've got to be really clear around following through on the things that you promise and recognize what my role is. Because if I don't recognize what my role is and and whether I'm following through on the things that I promise, you are not going to get what you want. I'm not just talking about men, I'm talking about women too, because it happens opposite way too.

SPEAKER_03 53:03

So you can come back. What is this in the toolbox?

SPEAKER_00 53:06

Because we have to, well, because I said something about following through. Okay, thank you. You have to follow through.

SPEAKER_03 53:12

Yep, yep.

SPEAKER_00 53:13

This happens so often when it comes to heterosexual relationships, because the men don't think like the women, and the women want the men to think like the women, but the men can't think like the women, and they get confused and they don't know what to do. And then they said so what they do is then they make themselves busier doing other things, and then the woman's like, yo, you're not supporting me. What the bloody hell are you doing? And they're like, huh? I just did all of this other shit, but that's not what she wanted. So if we're not gonna, and then I what really does my head in is one, the female did never really ever communicate in a clear, concise way about what needed to be done. They don't, I love you so, but you just don't.

SPEAKER_04 54:04

Oh, can't you just read our minds?

SPEAKER_00 54:06

Yes, no, then they like they like to think that aren't you an adult, shouldn't you know? No, they don't know. You know what? You're better off doing write a motherfucking list.

SPEAKER_03 54:24

So we'll come back to the very first episode of why teenage boys so dumb and writing lists.

SPEAKER_00 54:29

These are things that most male males aren't taught at home. Let's be honest, they're not taught to shit at home, they're being taught to go be boys, rough tumble. Yeah, they're not being taught to be uh um part of a partnership relationship, and and uh you know, motherly and caring and nurturing get up to being taught that. If they have, you wouldn't be with me. Let me tell you now, there's no way, Joanne, that if I was taught to be that way, that you would be with me. No way. You would look at me like ah, look at this pussy. I don't operate that like that. Most men do not operate like that. I'm sorry to say this to you. They don't. So if you feel as though my biggest issue is that I'm not um I'm not supported, how have I communicated it? Now let's flip it. If I'm a man and I feel like I'm not getting enough sex, I feel I'm not getting enough hugs, kisses, or whatever it is that's physical because men are more physical, right? That's very tactile. So if they're if you're not receiving those things, what haven't you done? What haven't you given? Guarantee you you haven't given something. And it's as simple as, it could be as simple as, hey, what's been happening for you today? It could be as simple as just sitting down, having a chat with your partner for 15, 20 minutes, half an hour, an hour, whatever it is, where however long it goes for, right? And not being distracted by other things. Men are very good at being distracted by other things. Well, you know, it's a bit like I remember watching Patrick when he first started playing softball. He's standing out in the outfield chasing butterflies, right? Boys are a bit like that sometimes, right? So um I think that uh recognizing that if I'm not receiving the thing that I want, what is my role in it? I'm missing something here. I've gotta I've gotta find that out. And a lot of the time we don't, we both withdraw because we don't have the courage to have the conversation, or if we do have the cut the the courage to have a conversation, it's generally like this you're not giving me this, and then the other person says, but you're not giving me this. I just can back you a fuck, and then they walk away from each other. Yeah. So instead, work out what it is that I want to receive, what is my role in it, and then how do I express the other part? Because if I'm not following through and I'm not living up to expectations of myself in a relationship, and then what the standards and expectations are for each from each other, forget it, you will not receive what you want.

SPEAKER_03 57:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 57:21

I'm sorry to tell you, sorry to burst your bubble. It's not always the other person's fault. Um, to take responsibility for your role, please. I think it's the biggest message you can give somebody in a relationship. If I'm not receiving, what haven't I given? What haven't I expressed?

SPEAKER_04 57:42

Yeah. Yeah. And if you've expressed it and it's clear and they know and they still can't give it, then that's different.

SPEAKER_00 57:51

You already do it with Patrick now. You want something done, you text him a list. Sometimes your husband needs the sing, not your husband, but most husbands.

SPEAKER_03 58:02

Oh, are you sure?

SPEAKER_00 58:03

Yeah, legend.

SPEAKER_03 58:04

But anyway, Karima.

SPEAKER_00 58:09

Um and and the other thing is too that from a male perspective, I will say that if I'm thinking about making sure that I'm living up to expectations in terms of housework or something like that for you, I will not be successful for us. I will not. Outside of the house, I can guarantee you, every single time she falls apart. Without doubt. So there is a balancing act in that. I I just I'm too fixated on the thing that's presented in front of me. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 58:55

There is, and there's give and take, and there's balancing, and so what's the priority now?

SPEAKER_00 58:58

Uh it's not give and take, it's give and receive.

SPEAKER_04 59:01

Give and receive, okay.

SPEAKER_00 59:02

Take has got a very negative connotation to it, but I think receiving because receiving is better because then we can say, okay, well, I'm open to receiving rather than I give, give, give, you try and give back to me, and then I block it.

SPEAKER_05 59:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 59:19

So yeah, open to give freely and receive freely, be better. I think better language.

SPEAKER_05 59:26

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 59:27

Get around it. So that that'll be where I'd start. Like I said to you, we could I could talk about this for hours. Hours.

SPEAKER_04 59:35

Well, you do. You talk about this for hours with your clients. Yes. And sometimes it's like hitting your head against a brick wall.

SPEAKER_00 59:41

No, not necessarily, because it's like um every time we get to a point, it's time to go. Well, uh now you need um you need skill building. It's not just emotional stuff, it's skill building. And you'll be surprised how many people struggle with expression of needs.

SPEAKER_04 1:00:05

Oh, 100%. Oh, yeah, I still struggle with that.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:10

Yeah, because you get to a point, is that okay if I share?

SPEAKER_04 1:00:14

I don't even know what you're gonna do. I'm I'm not gonna give any. Oh, fuck, here we go.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:19

I'm not gonna give any specific.

SPEAKER_04 1:00:21

I mean, I live with you and I I I obviously can tap into your mind. You know so much.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:24

Oh, he's all right.

SPEAKER_04 1:00:25

Um, don't tell anyone. Um, but I still struggle with that.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:30

Yeah, so what what Old Mate over here does, she goes, instead of expressing her needs earlier, she doesn't, she waits for everybody to do the thing that she wants them to do, and then they don't do it. Or um she'll say it as she's moving out the door, and then when it's not done, because most people have missed it, then it's like she'll then say it very, very aggressively. Aggressive, yeah, you will, and it's like lick, whatever, right? And and it's really fork tongue. Where she could have expressed, hey, I need help today. Do you guys mind getting me stunned? Here is the things I needed done.

SPEAKER_03 1:01:18

What I find interesting though is since we've started this podcast, I think I've been a little bit better at asking for help and delegating crap.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:27

Still got a sore hip, though, don't you? Yes, I've been. Yes, I wonder where that's coming from.

unknown 1:01:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:01:33

Gotta stop chasing you.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:35

When when do you run? When do you run?

SPEAKER_04 1:01:39

Give me that face. I don't run.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:41

There's only a couple of things that run on your body, Joanne. Your mouth, your nose, and your ass.

SPEAKER_05 1:01:47

All right, moving prologue. Oh, all right.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:52

I hope that that's helpful. Hopefully that that's useful. Um, like I said, we could talk a little bit more in depth, but it would get it'll be probably a little bit more personal. Um, and it would get a bit messier.

SPEAKER_04 1:02:04

If you find that you actually need help and you feel disconnected from your partner and you want to speak to somebody externally, reach out.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:11

Reach out 100%. 100%. If I'm not the right person for you, that's okay. We'll find you somebody. I think it's the important part to understand. There is not one person in this world that can solve everything. It's not the idea, but the idea is to start the process.

SPEAKER_04 1:02:25

And that's that that's a really good call out there, Luke, because just because you don't find the right person to start with doesn't mean you stop. Yeah, 100%. Find somebody else to speak to because when you stop, you you're still on the cycle. You're still not going to get anywhere.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:39

You know what I found really interesting? I think I've had about four couples that have said this that they went to another, they went to other people before, psychologists, counselors, couples, therapists, whatever, and they've gone, we hated it. Like, what'd you hate about it? Oh, just that the the therapist at the time felt like they were beating up the one person to tell them to lift their game and then it switched and it beat me up. And I'm like, Yeah, then what happened? I always find this really interesting because they always say the same shit. And then they leave, and they're like, We left the session, and we were both pissed off. Like, how good's that? And like, what do you mean? It actually brought you together, and they're like, Why is that? Because we you hated the same thing. Yeah, yeah, you got a con, yeah. Um, you'd be surprised how often that happens.

SPEAKER_04 1:03:30

Anyway, do you think it's intentional at all? Brings them together.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:33

Absolutely not, absolutely not. Anyway, all right, thank you for that.

SPEAKER_04 1:03:39

Um, moving along to achievements and goals.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:45

Achievements and goals.

SPEAKER_04 1:03:46

Well, we do this every week. Every week we come in here and it's like, what was my goal last week?

SPEAKER_00 1:03:51

We need to find another way of doing this.

SPEAKER_04 1:03:53

We have re-listen to what we said or write it freaking down like this.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:58

No, but even still, like I I I'm just talking about the same thing that I never get around to do. That's exactly that's your problem. I know that's a me problem. We're talking about us individually, not together. You understand, right?

SPEAKER_04 1:04:11

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:04:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 1:04:12

I can't even remember what mine are week to week. So unless you remember what yours is, you just don't achieve it.

SPEAKER_00 1:04:17

She's committed, but she's committed. Follow through. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_04 1:04:23

Oh, I got told yesterday by a friend of ours that I shouldn't get up and make a speech and say I'm a pleaser.

SPEAKER_00 1:04:29

Yes, dear too.

SPEAKER_04 1:04:31

And I'm like, well, that's you taking it the wrong way, not me saying the wrong thing.

SPEAKER_00 1:04:36

Well, actually, aren't you Sue's sister? Oh, well, fuck it. For those of the that might. Um, anyway. Anyway. Do you have a goal for this week? That's achievable.

SPEAKER_04 1:04:54

I don't know. Well, this week Patrick's got work experience. Yes, he does. So it's gonna be an interesting week. Um, I hope that he doesn't embarrass me because why would he embarrass you? Because he's doing work experience at my work.

SPEAKER_00 1:05:07

But how would he embarrass you?

SPEAKER_04 1:05:08

Because people we we realize that we know this, that teenage boys are dumb.

SPEAKER_00 1:05:13

But this kid's a good kid.

SPEAKER_04 1:05:14

He is a good kid, he is a good kid. Um I've actually told him to make sure he doesn't tell people at my work that well, we're related. That he's my son. That's the one in the cause, you know.

SPEAKER_00 1:05:28

Don't tell anybody you're my son, please. Jesus.

SPEAKER_04 1:05:31

It's not that I'm embarrassed by him at all. No, no, it's actually about his experience.

SPEAKER_05 1:05:35

It's because oh, can you stop?

SPEAKER_04 1:05:41

Because you know, people have a skewed view of HR. They do, they have a skewed view of HR. And if they know that HR's kid is coming into their department to do work experience, they'll change the way they do what they do and welcome him differently. I want To experience what any other kid doing or experience would experience.

SPEAKER_00 1:06:03

I appreciate what you're saying, but you give him five minutes, ten minutes, fifteen minutes with him. They'll open up with him. He's that topic kid. Yeah, true.

SPEAKER_04 1:06:13

There you go. It wasn't from a you know, I'm embarrassed by noise. No, it was certainly wasn't from that avenue. I just want him to have a good experience and not have that overview, oh shit, HR's son's in the room, so we better behave.

SPEAKER_00 1:06:24

He's not a dober either.

SPEAKER_04 1:06:26

No, he's not. But he's definitely a real follower, though. So wish he would. Anyway, I I hope he has a good week. But yeah, it's going to it this week's going to be challenging from the fact that you have to do both drop-offs and pickups. So you we need to obviously amend our work schedules for that. Um and I still have to travel to other sites while I drop him off at work experience and then go back and pick him up. So it's it's you know, every week's challenging week, really.

SPEAKER_05 1:06:55

Uber traveler.

SPEAKER_04 1:06:56

I oh I am gonna be an uber driver. So, you know, it's I don't know if I have one specific goal. Um how about being organized and and taking lunch with me to work? I'm never organized. I will pack Amelia a lunch box and she's got everything and she's prepared, but I do not prepare for myself.

SPEAKER_00 1:07:17

I don't understand why you couldn't just double up on the things you give her. I know good she gets good lunches.

SPEAKER_04 1:07:22

She's awesome, she gets she's bloody awesome shit. Oh, a lot of parents comment about what she gets. Yeah, so lunch boxes. But yeah, no, I do it for her and I don't do it for me. So there's a goal.

SPEAKER_00 1:07:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:07:32

There you go.

SPEAKER_00 1:07:34

You know you're not gonna flow through on that. You know why? Because where you work, they give you five dollar lunches, man.

SPEAKER_03 1:07:43

Okay. How about being prepared having breakfast then?

SPEAKER_00 1:07:47

Well, breakfast. Coffee is not breakfast. No, it's not. I'm the same. Um yeah, I'm the same. Uh, but I've been better lately with that.

SPEAKER_03 1:07:57

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:07:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:07:58

All right, what's a goal for you?

SPEAKER_00 1:08:00

Goal for me. I don't know actually. Um there is so many many things that I need to tick off, and I I'm in a point now, you know what it'll be really good actually, is I think a goal for me would be to spend 15, 20 minutes uh doing some type of meditation or something like that that just just brings you back to center. Because if I think about all the things that I've got to do, it's like where do I start?

SPEAKER_04 1:08:32

Yeah, I think it's that that's definitely a good goal, especially seeing what you've been doing the last, I don't know, month, two months. And you just feel like that you're on the hamster wheel.

SPEAKER_00 1:08:42

Yeah, man.

SPEAKER_04 1:08:43

Um, and so that pause and reflect, I think it's probably a one thing.

SPEAKER_00 1:08:45

I think that you think that'll be a good one. Um you know, I'll be happy if I don't just get the percentages in my favor. If I don't get it throughout the week, I'll be happy if I just do three out of the five. That'll be good. Um yeah, that's where I'm at.

SPEAKER_04 1:09:01

What have you achieved in the last week?

SPEAKER_00 1:09:05

You know, I feel like I haven't achieved anything. But I've done a lot. So I don't I don't know. So that that's a har that's a tough one for me to answer because I don't actually know whether I've achieved I know I didn't achieve what I wanted by switching over to the system. Yeah, it's still sitting there. I I I haven't switched over because something else has popped up, and then something else has popped up that kind of needs to be done before I go to that thing, because it's all going to integrate with these other things that I've got to do as well. That's all system work related.

SPEAKER_04 1:09:38

So it's like you're just confusing the shit out of me now.

SPEAKER_00 1:09:41

It's confusing the shit out of me too. Um, so it's uh yeah, that that that's been a difficult thing. Um plus on top of that, you know, uh I'm finished one part of my course.

SPEAKER_03 1:09:55

Awesome.

SPEAKER_00 1:09:56

Um, which was mind body medicine.

SPEAKER_03 1:09:58

What's a method for treatment?

SPEAKER_00 1:09:59

Yeah. Um my last class was last week, Wednesday. Um and then yeah, what have I got? I've only got maybe eight more classes left for kinesiology. So um almost at the end. But so are the assignments.

SPEAKER_06 1:10:18

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_04 1:10:21

Well, students are somebody that's um in uni this year and they're doing a teaching degree, and they'll ask them how they're going, and they're like, Oh my god, the assignments this week I just got three assignments given to me, and they're all big assignments. Yep. And it's like it's just a universal problem. The assignments.

SPEAKER_00 1:10:38

Yep. But schooling, eh? A lot of the assignments that I have left, they're all um uh case study stuff. But I've got to do the case study with somebody. So like I've got to have a a mock client come in.

SPEAKER_04 1:10:56

Why can't it be me? I'm we've already established I'm a head case.

SPEAKER_00 1:10:59

Yeah, and you're a no-show.

SPEAKER_04 1:11:00

So only I'm busy, mate. I'm just too busy.

SPEAKER_00 1:11:06

That's what I'm saying.

SPEAKER_01 1:11:07

More a no-side than a note show. Move along, Lou.

SPEAKER_00 1:11:12

Anyway, all right. So um yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:11:16

All right.

SPEAKER_00 1:11:17

Um, because Joanne's really busy, so we'll um we'll end it there before I get to thanks everyone for putting up with us again.

SPEAKER_04 1:11:24

Yes, and the constant banter that we have. I hope you got something out of it.

SPEAKER_00 1:11:30

I really do hope that somebody got something out of it. Um, and I'd love to have comments, feedback, more feedback. The more we can get, the better we can make the show, the better we can have uh planned some of the the uh the future episodes that we're doing. Um, because I think that with the last couple of episodes we've done, the more feedback we get, we'll make the next few even better. Um, because it won't be just what we think you could utilize, it'll be something that we can go, well, this is what you're asking for. Yeah. I'd love to give more of that. Yeah. So please just send us through uh emails or or even comments wherever you can. Um if you're gonna email it's lifespumspruises at gmail.com uh and we will respond to you and we can have a chat. Awesome. Thank you. Thank you all so much. Enjoy your week. Hopefully, it's a great run for you all and you get everything done that you want to get done.

SPEAKER_03 1:12:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:12:28

Thank you again, Joanne, for taking the time. Appreciate it. Thank you. And uh we will see you next week. See you next week. See ya. Bye.